Monday, February 9, 2009

Space Invaders

So I'm back in Winchester, and already I've been charmed by its warm embrace.

As you might know, I have a real scumbag of a brother. He's stupid, talentless and a world-class leech. I won't go into listing everything wrong about him, as that would take many years, but I will point out that his current business plan is to form a company - since companies make money! What will this company do? Make money. Anything else? No.

See, he'll be my "manager" in regards to my art. I do the work. I prepare the material. I apply to galleries. I sell the art. He takes the money. HOW COULD THIS PLAN FAIL? How could I say no to that? My brother's current business plan is to steal from our mother as hard as he can and live the good life until she gets the credit card bill. His long-term goal is to steal from ME as hard as he can and live the good life until I get the credit card bill. Progress.

There is one clear rule while I am gone: DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE DO THAT! My room is my fortress of solitude. It is my studio. It is where I do everything, and violating this space is extremely prohibited. Oh, and it's not just a territorial thing. My brother simply cannot be trusted. He sucks at life.

If he was any other species, he'd have been kicked from the nest or killed by a predator a long time ago. As he his human, he gets second chances and coddling on a daily basis, which has only taught him that he will ALWAYS be bailed out no matter what sort of trouble he gets into. The result is that he never learned simple decency. He does not know how to close doors. He does not know how to properly store perishable food. He does not understand that taking things that are not his is wrong. (Nor does he understand that buying things with others people money does not make those things his.) He does not know how to properly clean anything, nor does he have a sense of what needs to be cleaned and when. He is covered in a layer a filth. He has no respect for other people. He believes the entire world belongs to him, so he fears nothing while taking everything.

So, yeah, I get home and he runs out to greet me like a dog. I give him a package containing toothpaste, tell him the package contains toothpaste and watch him beam like a child as he tears it open. "Hey, this is toothpaste!" He carries my clothes downstairs and runs of thinking he's done the world a favor. I assume he ran off because I was about to find out HE VIOLATED EVERYTHING. If I expressly forbid it, he did it. A lot. And with gusto. Don't sleep in my bed? Asshole not only slept in it, but he set up a buffet in it! His clothing was scattered around my bed. Food and drink was everywhere. Hell, just to ensure the violation cut deep, he left his spank magazine in play sight. Oh, and for those who know my brother well enough to know, you assumed correctly: He left the porn in the player as always. I broke it and stuck it upstairs, next to the phone charger I found sitting in peanut butter.

Alright, that's enough of my complaining. I'm home, I'm furious and I need to purge. I wish people as smart as livestock could be classified as livestock. It's to cruel to this family and the world to let that scumbag life. Alas, the law says it's a no-no, so we just to wait until he dies of his own stupidity. Ugh.

One positive thing is this is the perfect segue into the next batch of Precocious strips! As seen in the sketch, Roddy will be invading our kids' fortress of solitude and violating all kinds of space! Roddy is hardly the irritant that my brother is, nor are his violations egregious, inhuman and slimy. Still, a segue is a segue...

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