Sara J. Paulsen 4/5/25 - 1/7/11

It's been nearly two weeks now and it still doesn't seem real. As many of you know, my grandmother and I had a special bond. For all my life, she was my biggest cheerleader and always there when I needed someone. She meant so much to me, and I'm having a hard time imagining life without her.

When my grandfather came down with Alzheimer's and her health began to decline, I put my own life on hold to move in with them and help out. I spent the next two years cycling back and forth between Winchester and Falls Church and it was never a burden. I enjoyed spending time with grandma and we always had wonderful conversations. Even with a weakening heart, she would do everything to ensure my grandfather got the best care. I was happy to be able to take on some tasks and keep her stress level down.

It was only when my younger brother, Greg, moved in with them, and they got my grandfather a full-time caretaker, did I feel safe in moving on. My grandmother wanted nothing more than for me to finish my education, and she was thrilled when I got into SCAD for graduate school. I would never have made that jump if it wasn't for her encouragement and insistence.

When I got the news that her heart was giving out, I was stunned. Just the day before we had been planning on what to do when she got out of the hospital. I was blessed to be able to have one last conversation with her over the phone before she passed. Even though I was stuck in Georgia, it was my way of being with her. Grandma got to do what so many pray for: She left this earth on her own terms. She knew she didn't want to lose her quality of life and she made to call to have no heroics. She died peacefully, surrounded by family.

Since then, it has been a whirlwind. I had to drop everything and return home to be with my family and help out the best I can. With my aunt sick (and now in the hospital) and my mother running back and forth, juggling estate planning and running a business, I had to step up and help where I could. Time for doing anything else just doesn't exist right now. I apologize to you all for giving you this notification so late. Once I got up to Virginia, time lost all meaning and I let a lot of things slide on my end.

The funeral is this Saturday, and after that I have to somehow gather my belongings, trek back down to Savannah and do my damnedest to get back to work. It's going to be a near-impossible struggle, but I will try. Grandma wanted nothing more than to see me thrive, and I will do my best to honor her wishes.

Hours in the day

I wanted to have a Mothers Day card update here for you, but instead you get to hear about me making more Precocious. Uh, sorry?

I've been playing a losing game of sleep math, and eventually the remainder was going to get me. Oh, sleep, how I hate that I need you. I am no longer young, and daddy needs proper sleep or he goes bye bye in the head. Today, instead of more drawing of Sky cooking, I wonked out for a few hours. I've gotta get back to the card thing very soon - like tomorrow - and straighten a lot of stuff out with it, but today is for Precocious.

I'm trying to build up a buffer to cover my trip to DC for my grandmother's birthday so that means work work work. Fortunately, scripting has been going well. I have two weeks ready to be produced, and lots of potential for a third, so produce I shall! I'll feel a lot freer to do the card stuff if I can get a week of strips inked tonight. It's amazing how better one functions with the security of a comic buffer! Working day to day is far too much stress!

What's fun is that we're coming to an exciting point with Precocious. This whole group project storyline is finally going to start paying off! Uh, after this next week. We still have one group left to cover before it all goes to heck. :-)

Time out

As hinted at in the last post, I'm going to spend this week in DC focusing on spending time with my family. Precocious will keep going, but I am going to take a break from blogging and skip this week's Copper Road. The next Copper Road should be up next Monday and I'll start blogging again once I have enough free time to work on something to post!

For those not in the know: My grandmother's heart just gave her a hospital trip. My grandfather has advanced Alzheimer's and requires full care, most of which has been handled by my grandmother. My mother is here to help for a few days. My brother gets back tomorrow. On Thursday, my aunt and her partner are coming to visit. There's going to be no free time! I'll barely be able to keep up with the comic. (Tonight and tomorrow are for working ahead!)

Family always comes first.

Awkward moments; treasured memories

I wrap up my current stretch in DC as a complete wreck. Stress has taken its toll on me. I've got zits. I've gained weight. I am low on sleep. I might be getting sick. I desperately need a shave. I'm awesome!

That's not to say this hasn't been a positive expirience. I'm glad I could help, as little as I could, and I *did* get some art done while here. After some recharging, I'll come back again to get things right this time. I'm starting to get selfish over here - hiding away in my cave and eating at odd hours - and that's fairly useless outside of moral support. When I get my energy back, I'll do what I should be doing now. I'm going to get my grandmother to tell more stories and just give her a partner in conversation. I'll have a better grasp on what I need for art, so my studio will be better prepared. (Needed: More paint and a mechanical pencil sharpener!) I'll do more around the house, even if I'm clumsy at chores. My grandmother has a 50-year head start and learning the ins and outs of this place - and things must be done properly - so I fumble around like an idiot most of the time. Next time I'm here, I might even cook a decent meal. I'm 0-for-2 so far. (The thing about cooking for an Alzheimer's patient is that he eats with ZERO politeness.)

Anyway, I need a recharge. I need to turn my sarcastic awesome back into actual awesome.

How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Sell My Soul

It's time for more HOT flower action!



Here is my "finished" poinsettia painting. Hotel walls everywhere are about to be classed up!



And here is flower painting part 2: Poppies or some shit. I dunno, they are made of plastic so there's no guarantee they are proper flower replicas. Plastic flower taxonomists could be fucking with me. I just don't know. (Plastic Flower Taxonomists: Bad name for a band, or BADDEST name for a band?) As you can see, I got halfway through the the first treatment of the leaves before Monday Night Football got awesome and distracted me. After that, I had to hurry and put the entire studio away so the cleaning lady that came today would have surfaces to clean.

At the time of this writing, I have been too lazy to pull the art supplies back out from their storage places and set 'em up again. Chances of me doing any more painting tonight: Slim to none.

Oh well, this just means more sexy sketchbook time. Can you believe I went two days without drawing a cartoon animal? Earlier I was bullying my grandmother into keeping a diary and writing childhood stories when I found myself filling the notebook I brought up for her dictation with Jacobs. THE HUNGER RETURNS!

Edit: Fuck the hunger, I watched a movie instead and all I doodled was some ART thing. I wanted cartoon animals and got modernism. I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS!

I hope you people are reading this!

I was going to put this at the end of my last post, but figured you'd be skimming and would likely miss it.

I'll be in DC for an extra week, returning next Sunday or Monday. I'll be needing some peer group bonding by then, so don't forget about me!

The reason I'm staying here is the same reason I was certain to be at home: The kitchen remodeling is entering its endgame and the epic finishing of floor is happening this week. This means no one can use the house for a week. Initially I was going to keep the cats with me downstairs while mom stopped by in the mornings to let the dogs out, but she was warned the fumes from the finished might cause further brain damage to our already dim pets. So, new plan! Mom will be living downstairs for the week with all the animals.

I had already committed to spending the next weekend in DC to allow my aunt to finally return home and spend some time in HER life, with her partner. For those not in the know, my aunt had come to visit my ill grandfather almost four months ago, thinking she was going to stay just a few days. Seeing that my grandmother was working herself to death to take care of my grandmother, my aunt knew she had to stay and help care for the caretaker. (I am one of three extra helpers who come periodically to help care for the one caring for the caretaker.) This is a well-earned visit home for my aunt and I am happy to fill in - even if I'm wholly useless in the house upkeep stuff.

Tomorrow I drive back to Winchester for a dentist appointment. Then it's gathering clothes, grabbing my precious lightbox to help me with comic creation, trying to fix my mother's laptop, grabbing an early dinner (anyone free?) and heading back to DC.

Thank you for suffering under my more-words-less-art recent blog trend.

Artistic Victory!

Tonight, my lovely grandmother and I were chatting and joking around as we sorted through the many thousands of pill bottles years of living has thrust upon the family. She excused herself to go give my grandfather his pills, but returned because he was sleeping peacefully. I, meanwhile, had gathered up my laptop (which was upstairs because we had entertained my grandfather with a live steam featuring puppies) and was about to head downstairs for the evening. Since she was back, I put down the laptop and sat down across from her on the couch to chat some more.

And my heart swelled with pride.

My grandmother had leaned back in her chair, crossed her legs and curled her one arm up to her shoulder. Directly behind her on the wall was my monoprint, "The Furnace," which was done with her as the inspiration. Her pose perfectly mirrored the composition, with the jacket behind her further adding to the impact with it's bold red. It was absolutely stunning to see everything I had put into the piece sitting live and vibrant in front of me. "The Furnace" is about a strong matriarch whose brilliant soul carries her amazing nature through generations. Anyone who knows my grandmother knows that she has a power in here that is magnetic and inspiring.

I had to get a photo - but I had no camera. Oh. WAIT! Webcam to the rescue! Did you know I can set a different resolution for my webcam? Suddenly I could take a decent photo with it! While the uneven lighting (and my inability to hold the laptop in the proper position without collapsing) wouldn't allow me to show her mirroring the pose, I still wanted to capture her with the art she inspired in the background.

Seeing what I saw tonight reaffirmed why I am an artist. Everything I wanted to say with the artwork successfully came forth. This piece was always a gem, though. When I first put it on display, my grandmother was immediately drawn to it. She knew she had to have it and commented to my aunt that she didn't exactly know why. My aunt, the artist, immediately saw the connection. I had not told them the piece was about my grandmother, but they knew it was meant for them!

I've succeeded. I'm a real artist!

Progress Report

First, the good news! I'm still moving forward with the comic and there's a chance I will be taking 10 strips to DC for inking. Yay! This means I have to get scripting again, since I only have outlines for the remaining strips. This sketch shown is the last panel from Ivy's introduction strip and the best thing I've drawn today. The pose was not originally planned, but it brings out more of Ivy's character than the initial conception. I think this strip shows Ivy being tuned into what the kids are thinking... and how can she resist poking fun?

Now for the bad stuff! EVERYTHING AROUND ME IS FALLING APART! Both my downstairs refrigerators have gone wonky, so I can't trust them anymore. My DVD player - highly instrumental in my art making - is now completely dead. I watched The Mist. I watched Signs. When I put in The Village, I think that was just too freaky for the player to handle. Plugging in The Happening today got me the message, "THIS IS NOT A PLAYABLE DISC!" Everyone's a critic! Thank goodness for the PS2! Yeah, the DVD color balance is way off due to my video game settings, but it's something! As for the review: Someone got *dangerously* meta. If your movie requires an artist's statement to be enjoyed, your admirable pretension might be too much.

Among the walking wounded: My light table has started flickering, my printer only accepts a command half the time, the speakers on the computer are starting to crackly, my computer itself is really showing its age and my scanner has lived a long, full life... AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT COMES AFTER LONG FULL LIVES!

Sad segue, I will be in DC from Wednesday until Sunday. My grandfather has been given a better prognosis, but my grandmother's has gotten far worse. Life is brutally unfair. Oh yeah, my mother had told my grandmother that I was showing up on Monday, when I had planned for Wednesday. I didn't show, and I broke my grandmother's heart. THANKS, MOM!

I had delayed my trip to DC because I can't seem to be productive there and I didn't want to lose my Precocious mojo. Now I feel incredibly guilty and selfish.

There's a bad short story that can come from this. Some guy thinks the universe is against him, as it slowly sabotages everything in his life. The twist: It's the character that is falling apart most of all, and so he dwells on every subtle thing that does not go right whether it's something major or not. Most of the problems are the results of the guy's failure to save himself.

So here I am, going insane because I need to do something to earn my place in this world - and ignoring everything else around me. I look at all the loved ones and possessions that need attention, and I worry... How can I help them when I clearly can't help myself? LET'S FIND OUT!

Once again... Charles Schulz turned his anxiety and lifetime horrors into an amazing cartoon. When things look their worst, maybe I can find my best.

Adorable quotations

"I think my eyes are closing, so I'd better go upstairs and give them a chance."

- My lovely grandmother. It's such a joy listening to her talk.