Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Just go ahead and skip this post - part 1

Alternate title: If I could have thought up a properly witty name, I would have set up a sports blog by now.

Seriously, go read my ramblings and whining about common artist frustration (made worse because an *artist* whining ups the douchebaggery quotient greatly) and look at the beginnings of potential pretty pictures in the post below.

This is just getting something out of my head. No, it's not about emotions. It's about sports. I love sports and I'm a complete and total BORE when talking about sports. Today I actually out-talked my jerkoff brother (known for rattling off so many empty statements on autopilot that he continues even when you leave the room) because his congratulations on my Browns winning led me to talk football. I have a LOT to say about football, and no one in their right mind would want to hear it.

The goal here is to go team-by-team and blather in an attempt to purge my football chatting desires. If you keep reading, you only have your dumb self to blame. Today's post is about the NFC, the conference of kings!

NOTE: Many of the football player/coach names are likely misspelled. I did no research at all for this post. Deal with it.

NFC East:

I was born and raised in DC. My family has rooted for the Redskins for generations. We bleed burgundy and gold. I grew up watching the first Joe Gibbs era when the Redskins won three super bowls. Guess how THESE statements are going to go!

Redskins: Gotta start with my 'Skins. Even after the soul-hurting loss, there is still optimism in DC. I think we all knew the Rams were the upset pick of last week. The Redskins had fought hard for four games, winning each time as the underdog and beating four great teams. Since football is such an emotional and momentum-based game, the worst team in the league coming to town was seen as a way to take a breather and relax from the extreme tension from the first quarter of the season. The Rams, on the other hand, were very hungry for a win and had everything to prove. Even with the 'Skins off-balance, they came very close to winning on a bad day. 100 things went wrong for them on Sunday. Had only 99 things gone wrong, the Redskins would have won.

When I was watching the Eagles game with the *other* side of my family - the side where my only connection to them is sports - I was doing the typical cynical Redskins fan thing. I was happy to see success, but steeling myself for the moment when it all falls apart. My preppy cousin then turned to me and told me not to act like an Eagles fan. They go to every game assuming the worst, ready to boo at the first incomplete pass. They seem to *like* being sad sacks, and because of that Philly teams *deserve* to lose in heartbreaking fashion. Good advice. I'm going to enjoy what I can from this Redskins season, because we're playing with house money at this point.

Eagles: See above. Because their fans suck, they should suck too. I blame the 49ers for not finishing the Eagles off, as that would have killed any Philly optimism remaining. Seriously, that city should not be allowed success. If the Phillies even get to the World Series, I will be sad.

Team-wise, I fear Deshawn Jackson. Fortunately, he is as stupid as he is talented. If the boy ever stops actively failing, I will be scared. Fortunately, that should be right about the time when Donovan McNabb finally explodes on field. We all know it's coming. His leg will snap off, he'll puke on the field, shudder a bit, briefly burst into flames and then go boom. Fans should consider all future Eagles games as potential Gallagher shows.

Giants: I've always admired Tom Coughlin, so I'm glad he's been vindicated. Still, I hate when a coach or player I like goes to a team I don't. I suppose if an NFC East team that is NOT the 'Skins should win a Super Bowl, I'd prefer it to be the Giants - but that's like me saying I'd prefer to have my leg amputated instead getting my head chopped off. Also, Eli Manning needs more Manning face. Like his damn brother, he has a media-driven Super Bowl MVP that is not deserved and a Super Bowl win that came from the other team mysteriously sucking come the playoffs. The last three Super Bowl winners have been painfully unfulfilling. It's one thing for having teams I hate winning because they're the best, but the Steelers, Colts and Giants just sort of won games when their better opponents failed to show up.

Cowboys: Fuck Dallas. They deserve all the misfortune they get for the soulless arrogance on which the franchise is built. Sometimes bad people are great athletes. All times those awful people seem to end up in Dallas. The entire team, coaching staff, ownership and fan base should die of pancreatic cancer. Don't look at me like that. I'm being merciful! That cancer kills you quickly, so they won't suffer long. The human race will benefit from the skimming of scum from the gene pool.

NFC South:

For many sports people, this is their least-liked division. There are no big-market, big history teams, so fuck 'em! The south is COLLEGE football country, so this division is unworthy due to the teams not commanding as much attention. You know what? FUCK THOSE PEOPLE! I love the NFC South! Artistically, they all have great logos and colors. Also: The hottest cheerleaders.

Panthers: This team is overdue for a Super Bowl. They need to win it to shut the big-market-loving talking heads the fuck up. Tom Brady goes down, and the Patriots get tons of pity. Jake Delhomme goes down and analysts rant about how sucky the team is and how John Fox should be fired. They had to get a shovel and dig up Vinny Testeverde, for Pete's sake! Worst still: They tried to let David "getting sacked gives me sexual pleasure" Carr play QB! People should be amazed they won seven games with those guys! C'mon, Panthers, win the Super Bowl and use the trophy to sodomize every sportscaster in America. They are way too inconsistent this year, but I am still hoping they pull it together.

Falcons: I've always had a fondness for the Falcons, even if they lost their favorite spot when the Panthers hit the league. Matt Ryan playing like a #3 draft pick should play is just awesome. This is a team that took a poor talent pool (thanks to the exciting-yet-failtastic roster built around Michael Vick) and rebuilt with shocking speed. Their new coach came from the Jaguars, a team I love, so I wish them the best of success. If tradition in this topsy-turvy division continues, then this is the Falcons' year! If anything, I want to see a dynasty created around Matt Ryan and a stellar offensive line. Postseason success isn't even necessary (yet) - just stringing together a few winning seasons in a row is what that city needs.

Saints: Basically, I want the Falcons to win this division and the Panthers and Saints to get both NFC wild cards. The Saints have been raped by officiating this year. They should have won against the Broncos and Vikings. They did not deserve to get Hochuli'd. How much crazy misfortune can a good team weather? This is another team that deserves a Super Bowl soon. (How about this: Panthers this year, Seahawks next year, then Browns, then the Saints. THEN the Redskins for the next five decades. Sound good?)

Drew Brees is a savior to franchises that deserve a good turn, so yay him. Toss in a *healthy* bruiser running back (Hurry back, Deuce!) to compliment Reggie Bush's evasive talents and you've got an exciting team to watch. Oh, and someone kill their kicker. Even WITH all the officiating blunders, the Saints would have won if not for the Grammaticasualty. If only Grammatica hadn't tried his new technique of kicking with a broomstick shoved up his ass. If the season doesn't end with Grammatica and Hochuli dead via suicide, then the season is a failure.

One more thing, Saints. I've given you four seasons to do something novel: Get a defense. When the best you can do is signing a guy who was the third-best CB on the Patriots, meaning he was outranked by a scarecrow propped up at the goal line, you might want to reassess your defensive perspective.

Buccaneers: You know, it was cute when they were the lovable losers. Everyone likes the story of a team turning itself around, right? You know what? No. Fuck them in their Fuckaneers.

At first I was excited. They decided to toss out their creamsicle colors and go with a kickass logo, awesome pirate ship stadium and win the war of aesthetics. This is something I can get behind. The problem is the rebranding was not stylish, but a symptom of throwing tons of money at the team to win a championship NOW. They gave away tons of draft picks, threw piles of money at players, brought in all the elements needed to win... and fucking won. MAN, THE REDSKINS HAD BEEN DOING THAT FOR YEARS AND IT NEVER WORKED FOR US! (Note: I HATED Snyder for that ploy when they did it then and have found a renewed love for the 'Skins because they are building a team through coaching and drafting - AND SUCCEEDING WILDLY SO FAR!) Even worse: Turns out all those picks and dollars spent on coach Gruden were totally worth it. That guy keeps resurrecting a team that has no right in staying afloat considering its deficit spending. I also hate them for sending Tony Dungheap to the Colts.

NFC North:

The day this division stops becoming largely irrelevant is a day I greatly fear.

Vikings: I'm really not sure why I don't root for the Vikings. I'm not *against* them, but they're never more than neutral. For me, their job is to hand the Bears two losses every year. They have not been doing that enough. (Not that I've checked the stats to see how they've performed.)

My grandfather, the Dane, loves his Viking heritage. That means I should root for them out of Danish obligation. So what do I do? I root for the Packers. Sorry, Vikings.

Also: The Vikings this year have only avoiding epic failure (they are just regular failures for now) due to bad officiating. I can't respect that.

Packers: I know he's gone, but I want to talk Brett Favre anyway. Why do I root for him? Yeah, I know... He's overexposed, his "gunslinger" label is just a spin job to cover for his occasional sloppy play, he had a painkiller addiction and his blue jeans adds are a plague. Still, think about it... THIS IS ALL I WANT FROM MY LIFE!

I want to be universally, and sometimes unjustifiably, worshiped by the media. I want to have my quirks, down the the worst aspects of me, become a beloved identity and positive thing. (See also: "Manny being Manny.") I want to have a life where everything I do (save one instance) is quite respectable AT WORST! Remember: Favre has only had one losing season EVER! Even when he sucked, he was better than most in the industry. Fuck, I'm even down for the painkiller addiction. It seems like a fun way to pass the time for a while - not to mention it gives my biography some padding! I want to be the artistic Brett Favre. That is my dream.

Now, for the *current* team - there's still a lot to respect. The Packers - ironically, in an stupid effort to drive AWAY Favre - have managed to build a young and crazy-talented team. Even the token "fine, Brett, you can have a late-round WR in the draft" picks have been spectacular. I suppose I can respect it in hindsight - but only because that reckless strategy worked. Hey, Packers, you know who *else* had a reckless strategy that worked...?

Oh, and Aaron Rodgers' nose is a gigantic triangle. That amuses me.

Bears: I never liked this team. I never really hated them always. To me, the Bears were that obstacle team one couldn't keep down. They would suck for two seasons, then jump up and knock a team you liked out of the playoffs for a while. It was a regular cycle. As much as I disliked that they kept returning to greatness every few years, I could deal with it because they'd return to sucking soon enough.

And then I started reading Fark sports discussions. Not only are the Chicago sports fans douchbags in the extreme, but they are aggressive douchebags. They take over every sports thread and will not relent. Watching a bunch of people in a competition to say the funniest comment on the day's games is quite enjoyable - but those Chicago fans became unbearable. (No pun intended.) Every time the Bears - or any Chicago sports team - wins, I hate it because it means awful people are happy.

And that's what made the Falcons' amazing miracle win this week so much more satisfying.

Lions: FIRE MILLEN! Oh, wait, you did. Well, good luck with that. Like the Vikings, your guys are tasked with beating the Bears twice a year. I'll even allow you to have a playoff appearance or two in return.

Eventually this team is going to be coached by someone competent, who will coach players drafter by someone competent. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. Just beat the Bear, ok?

NFC West:

Many dislike this division because it is the weakest in football. As a Seahawks fan, I DON'T CARE! Hooray for cream puffs!


I've come to terms that Holmgren, a couch I've always admired, will go out on a low note. It's a real shame, because this is the man who turned a team I have loved through so many awful seasons into a perennial contender. There's only one team in the NFC that's won a playoff game in each of the last few seasons: The never-respected Seahawks. This was supposed to be THE year for them. I could feel it!

Then the entire team died. Every single wide receiver got hurt. The backup QB moved to WR and got hurt. One of their duo of dynamic running backs got hurt. Matt Hasselbeck got hurt. CHARLIE "I AM SYSTEMATICALLY DESTROYING ALL OF CHRISPY'S FAVORITE TEAMS" FRYE IS THEIR QUARTERBACK! KOREN "I SANK CHRISPY'S FANTASY TEAM EVERY YEAR BECAUSE I PLAYED DRUNK OFF MY ASS" ROBINSON IS BACK! It was suppose to just be the end of an era - instead it's THE END OF TIMES!

While I'm a big fan of coach-in-waiting Jim Mora Jr., I'm still worried the Super Bowl window is closing. The great players are getting older and the young ones can't stop snapping in two. It would also help if the young players were great, but the Seahawks' top-notch managers keep getting hired away to teams like the Titans. (The only remaining undefeated team right now. Coincidence?)

I want the Seahawks to win a Super Bowl. I mean, they WON a Super Bowl... but the history books are only going to reflect that ridiculously fixed game as a Steelers "win." After the Panthers win their Super Bowl and sodomize all deserving sports people, it'll be time for the Mora-led Seahawks to win theirs and repeat the process. You may think I'm being excessively vindictive here, but keep in mind my targets are sports writers and personalities. Advocating trophy rape is downright benevolent.

Cardinals: I really enjoyed Deadspin when it was under the reign of Will Leitch. His favorite teams rarely conflicted with my interests and thus I was allowed to share in his joy on the rare occasion such teams did well. His posts were entertaining and beautifully written. Dude could make a case for joining him in cheering his beloved Cardinals (in any sport) to victory. When the baseball Cardinals became the worst team ever to win the World Series, I was pleased because the guy actually got to BE there to see his favorite team of all time take home a championship against all odds! When this bullshit happened in football over the last three years, I felt it was a crime against humanity.

Because Leitch loved his Cardinals, giving the enduring "Buzzsaw" nickname, I was able to appreciate them more - although I was often actively rooting against them. Leitch's fandom was so "aww shucks" likable that a Seahawks choke job was almost made bearable.

The current Deadspin head is from Philadelphia. Scroll back up to my first two team entries for a reminder of what I think about that. To make matters worse, the new supporting editor is a fan of the Tennessee Titans, a team I despise, *and* of southern college football, the reason the NFC South is so disrespected. If it wasn't for Rick Chandler's continued excellence (he's in San Francisco, and thus not a sports threat) I might have abandoned Deadspin completely.

So, yeah, Cardinals.

You guys have won enough that no one feels that bad that you're team is a heaping pile of suck right now. That's bad for you, but I'm fine with it. Take as long as yon in getting back on your feet. My Seahawks are going to need to rely on the incompetence of others if they want to stay in the playoffs race in the immediate future.


I'd like to think of the painful defeat the Redskins had to the Rams this week like this: Maybe the Rams weren't that bad after all! They have tons of talent on offense and some promising players on defense. Sure, statistically they were one of the worst teams ever this season... but it all seemed to change this week. Well, on defense. As soon as defensive coordinator Jim Hasslett, a very likable guy, got promoted the defense went from worst in the league to singlehandedly beating the Redskins. Al Saunders, the man responsible for hurting Jason Campbell's self-esteem and game play for the past few years is the Rams' offensive coordinator. Al Saunders' playbook is 700 pages worth of fail. Al Saunders could be given Techmo Bowl Bo Jackson personified and still find a way to never score an offensive touchdown again.

Josh Brown, the Rams' kicker, joins the list with Tom Coughlin and the Seahawks' former personal guy as greatly-skilled people who are now lending their talents to teams I hate. I'm happy for their success, but I wish they had all congregated in Jacksonville instead. This may be awkward, as that's where Coughlin came from and Jack Del Rio is doing a great job, but I love the Jags because they are staffed with coaches I really respect. Consolidate the greatness!

There, that was fun. For me. Not you. Fuck you.

Coming soon: Part II - The AFC.

Preview: Fuck the AFC! Every team except for the Browns, Jags, Pats, Chargers, Ravens and Jets \should be lined up against a wall and shot. I only included the Jets in the saved due to Favre, so if Mangini "accidentally" finds himself in front of the firing squad...oops!

No comments: